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FUN SHOCKING NEWS

After the despair of the last edition of Oddnews, the equilibrium has now been restored. Normal fun service will be resumed forthwith because we are proud to announce that Christmas is back on…
After Father Christmas found himself on the sharp end of a reindeer antler, it looked like we would have to call time on all the merriment. But you can once again charge your glasses, because Mother Christmas has taken over the reins. And we have it on good authority (i.e. hers) that she was doing all the hard graft anyway and the fat man was just taking the credit. In fact, after we plied her with gin and tonic, she even divulged that her husband doesn’t like the red suit that Coca Cola gave him, he isn’t particularly jovial and he doesn’t even care that much for kids. So Mother Christmas has promised big changes for this festive period…

…not only has she taken over our Twitter account and started giving away Champagne every day on it, but she has also released another two Tariq Knight magic videos. You can watch the second and third instalments by clicking here. These include how to remove a cork without a corkscrew and how to move a bottle using only your mind. To be honest, we think Mother Christmas might have a crush on that handsome young magician. But that’s not all, now she is publishing elf lit’ on our blog. Regular readers will have come to expect the unexpected, but this is extreme even for us!

Christmas is becoming a little confused. It isn’t just Barry Manilow who is a bit flummoxed by it. With all the parties, presents, preparations and poultry, things seem to be getting out of hand. What was wrong with just a turkey? Why do we have to have to soak a bird stuffed in a bird stuffed in a bird in a bucket overnight at the whim of a celebrity chef? Why do we have to risk getting drunk with our colleagues and photocopying our bottoms? Blazes, there was a time when a lump of coal and a Satsuma in a stocking filled us with joy. Amongst all that stress it is no wonder that people end up getting rubbish gifts like ugly jumpers (not the ironic hipster kind), boring socks or scented candles again. But Oddbins won’t stand for it any longer, that’s why we’ve unleashed our shiny new Christmas gift section, packed with perfect presents, hand selected, ready wrapped and complete with free delivery. Give yourself a break, pour a glass of wine and do the Christmas shopping from the warmth and comfort of your sofa. You haven’t even started planning for Hanukkah yet!
You would have thought that Manolo Blahnik would be all too aware of the dangers of chocolate-induced cankles. But he is quite right, chocolate is awesome. However, just as his shoes are not for everybody, chocolate also sometimes has an exclusive side…

Yorkie: it’s not for girls. Flake must be enjoyed in the bath. Terry won’t share his chocolate orange. Toblerone is only available at the airport. Galaxy is favoured by the beautiful but sadly departed. You’re only allowed Kit Kat on a break, eating it on the go would be tantamount to confectionary treason. But there is one chocolate that is for everybody, or at least the over 18s: Chocolate Block 2012 has arrived. The new vintage of this Oddbins-classic Saffer Shiraz-blend is richer and chocolatier than ever. In many ways, it is the adult equivalent of a Kinder Surprise. And if you want to turn the decadence up a notch, why not pick up a magnum of the Chocolate Block 2011? Best enjoyed in Manolo Blahniks darling. Cankles optional.

That’s all from us, except to let all you craft beer fans know that we are brewing up something very special for you. Watch this space…