We may sometimes come across as (wine-loving) misanthropic nihilists but right now, in the words of our Glorious Leader Dave, we feel bloody lively. *Rolls sleeves up, strides on to the stage and grabs the mic*. Because, though the polling stations may be smelly sports halls, guarded by kind yet stern citizens who may actually kill you if you transgress electoral rules, the majority of this country will be heading out to vote today. Save a bit of light vote rigging, there is nothing more that politicians can do to sway the outcome of the election. However, before you go on your merry way, we at Oddbins would like to announce (da da daaaa) the winner of our recent Alternative Polls, in which we put five Rhône Valley reds on tasting and secretly assigned the wines to a political party. Using the lesser-known Single Tasty Vote (STV) system, we have crunched the numbers and the winner is…
… no-one! OK we should explain that. In true political style, we may have misled you last week, as not all five wines represented a political party (as Lucy Powell MP quite rightly says, just because we carved our pledges in stone, it doesn't mean we might not break them). Domaine de l’Arnesque Châteauneuf-du-Pape (£24) was our bluff card – and it is also our winner, with 35% of the vote. But if it doesn’t stand for a political party, what does it stand for? Well, it stands for everything that we think a political leader should be. It is a solid wine with charisma and substance that shines out like a beacon for the people – and wouldn’t be seen near a bacon sandwich. Like the cross-key emblem of this famous southern Rhône wine, our dream PM is identifiable and assertive and has all the bottle that you could hope for. YES.
That’s the dream. But what of the other four wines? Well, blow us down with a feather if we haven’t got a result that would seem to match pollsters' predictions (which is no surprise, as our methods were empirical and perfect). We have got four wines with a similar proportion of the vote, whose characters may not have the voting magnetism of Châteauneuf du Pape, but have legions of loyal fans nonetheless. Without further ado, the results for the UK (well, anywhere near an Oddbins) are:
Labour – 19%
Conservative – 17%
Liberal Democrats – 14%
SNP – 14%
Spoilt ballots – 1% (some people struggle aiming in the spittoon)
NB whilst they are serious contenders, we have not included UKIP in these results. This is because Oddbins does not have any shops in UKIP strongholds (quelle surprise… sorry Nigel, we mean ‘what a surprise’), so it would be unfair to include them with such a handicap.
The eagle-eyed among you will have noted that we haven’t yet told you which wines represent which parties – and that’s because we’re a bit like Bisto: we save the best ‘til last (yeah, we just said that). We are leaving it to you to link the following wines, with their cunningly subtle allusions to Labour, Conservatives, Lib Dems and the SNP, to these parties:
Reserve de Fleur Côtes du Rhône (£8.50) – this wine Unites people in admiration of it – you could say it’s the rose of the Rhône.
Domaine de l’Arnesque Côtes du Rhône (£9.50) – fruity and mellow, this wine can lend support to a surprising range of main dishes.
Vidal-Fleury Ventoux (£9) – Ventoux may be an unassuming appellation - you could say it's the ‘quiet man’ of the Rhône - but it is supported by some rich, rich, rich flavours.
Colombo Le Vent Rouge Côtes du Rhône (£10) – this is a slick wine with deep reserves of flavour. Although it doesn’t work with salmon…do try it with sturgeon.
But we find that voting is such thirsty work, so the first five people to email email@example.com with each wine’s affiliated party will win a mixed case of Alternative Polls wines. Now that’s what we call a result.