Ctrl Alt Delete

What a mad world we live in where a keyboard shortcut that has existed for less than a quarter of a century and only on IBM PCs is such a pervasive metaphor it now holds more meaning to most than a bloomin’ Shakespeare quote. Did you know ol’ Bill coined the phrase “the leopard does not change his spots”? Yeah, you thought Romeo & Juliet was good, how often have you heard that metaphor?

Imagine how many times it’s been said at parole hearings for evidence of recidivism; “sure, Dennis has converted to Buddhism, spent the last 5 years helping disabled inmates, gained a PHD studying the impact of Gandhi on Colonialism and has even started using conditioner on his beard but… the leopard thing. God you’re right, give him another 10 years!”

It’s okay, Dennis was wrongfully convicted so you shouldn’t feel bad that you’re hoping he breaks out of Pentonville and makes it to Zihuatanejo. (Yes, apparently that is how you spell that beach in Shawshank.)

At Oddbins, we’re feeling a little more accepting of change. We’re not saying the world is as ruined as that half-drunk bottle of Pinotage that’s been sitting on our office windowsill for the past 3 months but umm, we are a little concerned we’re living inside an Orwellian allegory of political polarisation and the death of accountability in our leaders.

The point is, at the start of 2018, we’ve been wondering what it would be like if we could just press Ctrl Alt Delete on much of 2016 & 2017. We could get Bowie and Alan Rickman back! We could Ctrl Alt Delete Brexit so that maybe we could have a referendum that addressed some facts opposed to purely dealing in “post-truths.” (You know what we actually wouldn’t; as decidedly bad as Brexit seems to be going, nothing would make us jump back into that abyss of hyperbole and ennui.


We might suggest that Ctrl Alt Delete be pressed on the Trump/Kim Jon Un thing but they’d probably both just get confused and jam their tiny rat claws onto their respective red buttons and blow up Norwich. (Poor old Delia, your creamed scallop soup will be missed.) Perhaps it’s positive we don’t have the power to just reset life and it’s certainly positive that Delia Smith and the rest of Norwich are absolutely fine.

Yet, every year, most of us try to reset in some way. After getting out of breath walking to the fridge to claim another cold goose-fat glazed roasty we think next year is going to be different. “2018 will be the year I’m so healthy and so successful that one day, on my walk to work, I’ll just dissipate and join a higher realm of consciousness, like a Dali Llama in Prada.”

Then when January actually arrives everyone realises kale is disgusting, gyms are full of people that like going to the gym and being outside is generally horrifying. Well, it’s February now; you’ve smashed through Dry January, the 5:2 diet was a relative triumph despite the regularity with which you hallucinated that your loved ones were giant steaks and you’ve successfully braved the gym a total of 3 times. O well, it’s done and none of us have to worry about it for a whole year. Proper 2018 can start now and we reckon it’s going to be great, it’s time to log back in!