Drink Magnums for Trump!

It is a rare occurrence that the UK is united; we see it all the time while scrolling through Twitter posts, looking for videos of cats being started by cucumber infused gin. As we all hide behind our perceived online anonymity, there flows a torrent of vitriol and unrestrained abuse, directed at people who, if we had met in any other walk of life we might share some friendly discourse over a bottle of wine (except Tommy Robinson… because you can’t bring wine into prison). The problem is the trolls have been emboldened by a provocative bag of Fillet-o-Fish with Carotenosis, that appears to be leader of the free world. All the while the bag’s wife, who is yet to successfully gnaw through her own ankle to remove the electronic tag, is an ambassador for anti-Cyberbullying. It’s like the Hamburglar’s wife being an advocate of healthy eating! … Or Melania Trump being an advocate of healthy eating.

Yet, days such as this, when the people of the UK seem to share a unified consciousness it is perhaps the most beautiful & exhilarating place on the planet. Our heads held high from an excellent World Cup campaign and a chance to display some disdain at the most impressive world leader in Britain, we don’t think you understand how impressive he is, very impressive, the most impressive.

We have never been a nation of violent uprising nor lawless mobs, our approach to protests is similar to the attitude we hold towards line-cutters; sarcastic irreverence. Sure, Donnie may have allegedly colluded with the Russians, empowered racists, sexually harassed women, payed off pornstars, pushed the globe closer to climate doomsday and made Fox & Friends his chief advisor, but the British don’t get mad, we get mordant. That is why today, he will attempt to read signs declaring, “This Pussy Grabs Back,” looked down upon by a petulant Trump baby blimp, while an angry Scot tells him he’d sell well on eBay because ‘he has the colouring and sugar content of an original Irn-Bru.’


Of course, not everyone approves or agrees; Nigel Farage suggested that the Trump Baby Blimp is the most egregious offence ever paid to a US President. Although, John Wilks Booth may object to these claims, we see Nigel’s point; you should salute the post not the man. No doubt that was why Nigel objected and had nothing to do with him wanting another golden elevator ride, like a Brechtian remake of Willy Wonka, where all the characters are Augustus Gloop. Nevertheless, it is fair to say we should show respect to the position of POTUS, welcome the leader as a personification of our beautiful friendship with the people of America.

Donald, we can do little, we are but a wine shop, we can’t shoot blimps out the sky, shut down CNN nor retrospectively remove your lapel mic when you were on that bus with Billy Bush. What we can do, in a small way, is protect your self-esteem. In the name of friendship and unity we ask the people of Britain; disregard your usual wine order, and instead join companions and buy a magnum together. Due to perspective it may make our hands appear small but will show our hearts are large. Let this gesture stand as a symbol of accord with our American cousins, and in doing so extend a perfectly normal sized hand of friendship out to Donald Trump.